God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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