The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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