What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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