I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
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