last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
