I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
