shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
