Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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