I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize