So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
