question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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