and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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