saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
