I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
