She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
