i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
