if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
