kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
