When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Randomize
