I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
