yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
