At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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