Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
