thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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