you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
