tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
