I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize