??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
