i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
