I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
