Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
