some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
