she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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