Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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