Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
