I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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