I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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