i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
