Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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