i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
