I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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