she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
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