Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
