i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Randomize
