what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
