the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
