what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
