On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
