Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
