I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
