Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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