I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
