3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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