This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
As shirtless as possible
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
