Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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