wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
