I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
